Tuesday, June 15, 2010

From the Tombs

Have you ever thought about dying? My death would be a relief. The silence of the grave would finally bring stillness to my soul so long wracked in agony and despair. Oh how I longed for the cool earth to cover, bury, smother the fires that consumed my mind. I wanted death to come and set me free. It wouldn't come. In fact, the more I yearned for its freedom the tighter the chains of my prison squeezed and twisted my mind.

I don't expect you to understand why I longed to taste the sweet freedom of death. To understand could only mean that you knew of my pain, that in some terrible and forsaken way you had been cursed as I have been. You also knew of the despair that every breath brought to me. That, somehow you had entered into a hell that was like mine. And if you understood, you must have found a way of escaping the chains and dungeon that you had been cast into. You must have found a power that could break the chains and set you free.

I wasn't always like this. I have glimpses, faint memories of my boyhood. A flash will come back, like some tease. Like a sip of water when thirst has dried out your throat. I remember some boyhood times; running and playing with my friends. We would go down to the great lake and watch the fishermen. I wanted to be a fisherman. With my own boat and nets, I would go out at night and cast my net. I would become the best fisherman on the entire lake. But then....

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