End of Questions- Beginning of Understanding

My time of questioning God and getting no answers was ending. Very simply; I had come to the end of asking why. My emotional and mental life was convincing me of God's non-involvement in everyday life.

Today I thank God for the time of great darkness and shadow. It was during darkness and shadow that I knew I must re-discover God as I thought I once knew, or, accept despair as truth, accepting agnostic thought. A very gifted Creative Writing Professor began a time of meeting with me. Neither one of us having any idea of the light this would bring to me. Our first few times that we got together we discussed writing and my manuscript, with the implications of the content.

Our conversations soon took on a much deeper and philosophical nature. He encouraged me to read the early Greek writers who brought illumination to the dilemma of man and questions. A real thirst was growing within, I had to know if God was, still is, will always be, caring and involved in the life of man. I also began reading contemporary, as compared too two thousand year old, thought and debate on the existence of God.

A slow realization began to take place, slow as I seemed to gain some understanding and then darkness and shadow. I was always fascinated by the created order of the universe and now that thought became a powerful concept that helped me. My personal hypothesis about time and creation began to take form, an absolutely unprovable form. That being, if time was able to be reversed, the created to become before, all elements drawn back to a specific time in space and history, to their origin. How did they become? Imagine all of life and history recorded on a DVD and run in reverse. What, Who, How, was that matter cast into forward motion? It seemed to me that more faith was required to believe in random chance than in a Creator with a design and purpose.

Another influence taking fruition in my mind was the experiential truth of the early followers of Christ. Thousands of believers in Christ entered arenas, embracing sword, beast and flame with the gospel on their lips. I had faced heartache and confusion, but nothing that could ever compare to the millions who embraced death. What truth did they experience that enabled them to sing, pray and praise on their way to death?

Their strength came from experiencing God, not from an acknowledgement of creed or doctrine. Man would probable run from death if all he had as truth were words and paper passed down from history. But, truth believed through experience and assurance would empower him to face anything.

Some Points of Understanding.
One specific point of understanding that I gained was painful. Spiritual ignorance and spiritual pride became evident. In ignorance, or just plain ignoring, the plain truth of evil and suffering wasn't supposed to come my way. But, who was I to think that God would not allow pain and despair to have influence. Part of my problem was in fact a literal interpretation of scripture that was in error. The Psalms spoke of angels and protection, of evil and pestilence not striking the people of God.

The evil of spiritual pride is masked and unnoticed by many. Daring and bold service for God, to the lost and despairing is applauded and elevated. Those who confess a calling to unique or seemingly dangerous ministries face a pride that many people do not. many of my friends in ministry were making a name for themselves. They were, "On their way." My dose of the poison came in the uniqueness of, "Africa."

I will try and close this soon.